I'm here

I miss writing, so I'm posting again here. For a long time, I cared way too much about what you guys were reading, responding to and even thinking about my posts. I had completely negated the positive benefits I get from having this blog serve as my journal for life.

So I'll start small here, with what's going on. I have a tendency to go all checklisty and bullet shit out, but I find it more meaningful and a reach for me as a writer to write our paragraphs.

Today I'm interviewing my colleague to potentially be my new boss. My boss who recruited me, who I basically took the job for, left in July. It's actually been less devastating than I thought it would be; while she was extremely knowledgeable, warm and just ON IT, she also had a way of micromanaging that I was beginning to find a bit stifling during the 6 mos I worked with her. With her gone, I've been able to explore some new things, i.e. come up with my own strategies. For instance, she put me in charge of a project, and asked me to really weigh the best outcome for it and evaluate what was working with it and tweak/refine to make it better. I'd start, then she'd step in and give lots of early feedback, so I would get paralyzed thinking I was only to make refinement suggestions in her suggested direction. Which is less than ideal. Having her gone has enabled me to truly do those things, without fear of doing it "wrong" but really experimenting and seeing what works, then having a very open discussion with my acting boss about it. My acting boss is a LOVE. There's something extremely special about this place; the innovative spirit, the pioneering can-do attitude and the freedom to experiment, make changes and be accountable for your actions. It's my absolute dream job. I literally thank God for it every single day. With whoever my new boss is, I know that given our tight culture and zero douchebag tolerance, it will be a chance to grow and be pushed, with steady encouragement all along the way.

This fall I decided to finally stop pretending I had a little anxiety and just admit that I have full-blown anxiety disorder. I've been working with Lantern, which is an online anxiety class, and I've found it enormously helpful. The cognitive reframing exercise is life-changing (uh, literally). When I start to spiral and tell myself a story, I'm able to quickly categorize it, then ask some hard questions, i.e. is that actually true? Is that really likely to happen? I've also figured out that a lot of my anxiety comes from nervousness about being unprepared, which I think is probably just a lack of confidence on the fundamental level that I can handle whatever life tosses my way. Which is not true, by the way; I've shown up and proven to myself and others time and time again that I'm able to handle whatever happens. So the work around that is ongoing, since obviously my reality and what's in my head don't match up.

That's all the time I have today! Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and are getting ready for Christmas.

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