The Slow Creep

It snuck up on me again. Creeping like fog over the mountains from the Pacific to San Francisco along 280, where I used to commute to work. I'd watch it creep slowly and it looked so romantic and cozy from afar. One time I got off the highway at the wrong exit and could not see 10 feet in front of the car, it was so thick. 

Depression is like that. So different and disorienting when you're up close with it. It frustrating for me to think that I've figured it out, I know its tricks and most of all, I know its lies. But I missed it this time. I've been listening to it, telling me:

Do more. 
Try harder. 
Dammit, stop being so needy. 
Be grateful for what you have! 
Pray more! 
You can't want to breastfeed and expect to sleep! This is what you wanted!
Be grateful!!!!!!!!!! 
Try harder.
Try harder. 
Try even harder, goddammit what is wrong with you. 

And it went from being a small thing to being a bigger thing, and then it became deafening and I couldn't seem to outrun it or see 10 feet in front of me. I noticed I was pulling away from people I love. People who love me and were worried about my distance. Channeling unreasonable expectations into little things in a desperate attempt to feel better. It's a liar. 

After a terrifying, extremely realistic nightmare where I was murdered and relieved because it meant I got a break, I sat up and thought, um, I think I'm back here again. And I sat with that all day yesterday; thinking and rationalizing and all the reasons why and what's situational vs. no sleep vs. hormones vs. too many brownies and realized the WHY does not matter. HOW I'm going to get out does. I called my doc; she was really worried after I filled out a questionnaire. Brain fog? Yes. Feeling bad about yourself - or that you are a failure or have let yourself or your family down? Yes. Feeling overwhelmed? Yes. Feeling nervous, anxious or on edge? Yes. Feeling unproductive at work or other daily activities? Yes.

So here we go again. Medication begun. Consulting my operating manual for how HH works: sleeping (we're working on sleep training), eating healthy and getting exercise. The lack of sleep has colored the other two to an unrecognizable palor: I feel jetlagged every single day and like I am underwater. I'm hoping once I'm able to nail down at least 4-5 hours at a time of solid sleep I can focus on the other things. I'm also saying NO a lot more lately and choosing to do things that are fun and pleasurable and NOT multiply it to some insane level so that I feel some ego boost from being so amazing. I just told Pete that instead of jazzhanding at the company picnic this weekend, I want to go to the farmer's market and get a big omelet loaded with vegetables and eat it on the grass while I watch Lucia play in the fountain and smile at Espen. And that will be Saturday.

I'm hoping the fog lifts soon. Say a prayer for me, if you can. Thanks.


  1. I am sorry to hear you are struggling- I am grateful for both my babies but I had a tough time when they were born. I hope the depression passes quickly

  2. "You can't want to breastfeed and expect to sleep! This is what you wanted!"

    Did I write this (in my sleep)?!?

    I wanted this to work and it is working but this slow torture sleep deprivation is so horrible. I combo fed my son so my husband and I alternated nights staying up and giving bottles. It was nice to be able to sleep more than 3 or 4 hrs at a time - even if it wasn't every day. I didn't really think about the fact that I would be up 2 or 3 times a night FOR MONTHS and still have to get up for work the next day.

    Sure I can (and do) pump a bottle for my husband to give overnight, but that means staying up an extra 30 minutes. Even then I still somehow manage to only get 4 hrs max straight - if the girl is sleeping well. And oh yeah, you can't sleep too long without feeding/pumping anyway because then your supply will be wrecked. Ugh!

    This mess is hard. I really want to quit at 6 months. I'm going to think really hard on it and re-evaluate then. I just want to go to a very dark hotel room and sleep for 8 hours with no one bothering me.

    I'm so sorry this is triggering some bad things for you and I hope you work through it quickly. Prayers sent!

    1. Exactly... my daughter was formula fed after 3 mos and it's a way different experience. I love nursing him but do not love that I'm the only one that can do it. Argh. I support you in creating mini goals! My birthday is in 3 mos and the only thing I want is a hotel room bed and earplugs. :) Thanks so much for the prayers and good vibes.

  3. I'm praying for you, honey. I can relate...different reasons, but I get it.
    You can feel down/discouraged AND be grateful at the same time.


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