Better?

Are you feeling better ? people keep asking me. I don't know. Maybe? Though it's hard to say. I feel like I'm a sinking ship and I've started tossing things overboard to try to save it.

I'm still feeling like I can frantically outrun this; I talked with a social worker from Kaiser today who called me and she kindly reminded me that uh, you can't really do that with depression. I keep thinking if I get this haircut, if I do THIS or THIS or THIS then I will feel a sense of relief and so much better. Like a festering pimple I can't pop no matter how I try, and pressure is building and it hurts and I know if I can just pop it will feel so much better. But I can't get to it. Um yeah, it's like that. It's this frenetic energy that I cannot seem to relax; this churning to do more MORE MORE. Even while I've cut out a good number of things, I still feel it.

I also have some really awesome moments where I can laugh at things and feel really happy and joyful. Which is why it's snuck up on me, because what depressed person feels those things?

I eliminated Facebook, Twitter and Instagram this week, and while I admit I've missed it some, I don't miss it much more. The constant chatter and feeling like I HAD to keep up to date: I do not miss that part. I miss seeing what's going on with my peeps and feeling connected in a way that's a little weird, I admit. But overall, the quiet and stillness that has come with my Social Media fast has been pretty awesome.

I've also made a strong effort to exercise this week. I went for a walk Monday and tonight and did a little bodyweight routine on the living room rug Tuesday night. I didn't warm up (DUMB) so I'm walking like Frankenstein and so terribly sore. It's been 48 hours and I think it'll be another 48 before I'm walking/sitting right. Sheesh.

So in summary, I am not that much better. I am hoping I will be soon. I'm trying everything to reduce my stress and anxiety levels naturally vs. applying the medication as some superpower to enable me to continue to take on insane levels of well, everything and then wonder why I'm burned out.

Comments

  1. Heather, it doesn't mean you are weak if you need medication. It just gives some clarity so you can work on the issues naturally.

    I'm thinking of you. Hang in there.

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    1. Thanks Julie (as always). HUG.

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  2. As someone who has come through a very serious depression previously I can tell you without a doubt that I know there are times in my life I needed the medication to help me get through to the other side. Julie nailed it - medication gave me the clarity and helped me find enough happy again to get the other things together that I needed. And there's no shame in it. Not ever. And exercise helps too, but I remember the motivation to get out and move was always the toughest part. You are not alone my friend.

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    1. Thanks Meegan. Totally appreciate that. I'm feeling some better and am hoping I'm back to 100% soon. :)

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