Not Sure What to Say

I'm not sure what to write, so I haven't been posting. I continue to work through the whole eating/diet/ thing, including on trying on different approaches to see what feels best. I can tell you with certainty that giving myself to eat anything (aside from gluten) as long as I pay attention to how I feel afterwards was enjoyable. I didn't feel the panic I feel when I typically indulge that it was a limited time only engagement, therefore SHOVEL IT IN AND OH EFF IT LET'S HAVE THIS THIS AND THIS TOO!

I simply let myself have let's say, tortilla chips with guacamole. I didn't scarf them down. I didn't overeat them. I just ate them without judgement or shame or any second-guessing or goddamn bargaining with it.

It was gloriously freeing.


I also was finding myself eating those things not only because I wanted them but because I felt like on some part I was buying into the oh eff it, I'm just one of those people that doesn't lose weight while breastfeeding so why bother. Or telling myself, you know you're so tired and most people don't start losing weight until the baby sleeps more. 

You get the picture.

I was making excuses for why I wouldn't lose weight. Why it was impossible. To make matters worse, the familiar cycle of too much sugar-massive anxiety started as a result of my liberated eating [note to self, the side effects of those particular foods seem to be cumulative, rather than immediate, meaning it takes a few days for the anxiety crazy train to arrive, but it *always* does.] I just realized last night that I needed to put on my Coach Hat and assess the situation.

[Aside, I think I look okay for having a three-month-old, but there's the practicality of not having clothes to wear to work (ahem next week) and to be honest, I feel fluffy and round and squishy and overall yucky. I know that I am not inherently yucky. I'm not being hard on myself, I'm just saying, man I feel yucky.]

What I need more of:

  • workouts that are just me-time
  • vegetables
  • protein
  • naps
  • time away from baby (just a brief break so I'm not bitter and resentful, which I admit I have been which I admit to coping with chocolate)

And rather than make the list of what I need less of, which invites shame and judgement in, which feeds and endless cycle for me, I'm just focusing on those things up there. So every day that I pursue those goals, I get a sticker. I'm not saying NOOOO to anything, there are no absolutes, there's just the reality that daily doses of homemade chocolate bark aren't going to get me into my old clothes anytime soon. Fact.