Daily Ass Kickings

So I had started writing this post about how I'm counting calories now and it's going well and how I've really think I've come full circle and blah blah blah blah blah, but what REALLY is going on daily is I am having my ass handed to me. Squarely. The transition from one to two kids = brutal. The transition going back to work = INCREDIBLY BRUTAL.

Breastfeeding, while I do enjoy the snuggle time with my little man, isn't really that happy rainbows and glorious place I'd thought it would be. YES it's something only I can do, which is exactly why it's awful at the same time. I cannot delegate. It's all up to me. It's really tough.

I'm also the breadwinner at home. Coming back to work and having the pressure of that on top of everything else, while trying to navigate tricky internal politics and having to spend a minimum of 32 of my 40 hours a week solely on project work, i.e. there's no time to say, fight with the HR person for the umpteeth time to figure out why your newborn didn't get added to your benefits (OH YES THAT HAPPENED).

Then there's the milk production issue. Apparently little man CHOWS DOWN his bottles. As in, zooms through my painstakingly pumped 4 oz for each feeding like it's nothing. I listened to the lactation consultant and didn't put away much milk, only enough for the first day. So I had NOTHING to lean on when they went through all my milk, and I have nothing now when they're out of milk every day. I come home early to nurse him. I'm pumping as frequently as I can; up to every 2 hours, but today and yesterday I had meetings in SF, so I literally pumped while driving over the Bay Bridge and then on the way back after my meeting. Seriously. That happened. I don't have an office so I have to relocate for every session (luckily the office I use is close by and I'm developing a system). I'm taking Mother's Milk Plus.

Add to that my in laws being in town. Add to that Espen wanting to get up every say, 2 hours for a little snack. Add that to guilt over not wanting to sleep train yet but desperately thinking WTF KID, YOU GOT ME UP FOR A 5 MIN SNACK?

Today I bawled. Just bawled and bawled. I am SPENT. Running on fumes daily and just so spent. People laugh and think its kinda charming, that whole NEWBORN CRAZINESS thing. I don't think it's funny or anything to laugh at. I am legitimately struggling; I can't remember a time where I've been so spent but there's no option but to keep going.

I stood on the BART car today and silently made a list of things I was thankful for as a way to reframe all of this. I'm thankful for the ability to breastfeed. I'm thankful for a great job to come back to that enables me to support my family. I'm thankful for a baby that wants to snuggle nonstop with me. I'm thankful for my baby.

We'll get into a rhythm, I know. But in the meanwhile, I'm trying to do the best I can daily.


  1. Hugs to you! I've been back at work for 1.5 months now. Everytime I finally think I have adjusted, something else throws me for a loop. I am holding out for 6 months when she will (please God!) really sleep through the night or I can start to attempt some sleep training.

    Re: Breastfeeding. I combo fed with my son so I had no idea how much work EBF is when you work full-time! Sure I can pump a bottle for my husband to take over one night feeding, but I still have to pump it! Milk doesn't just come out of the Similac bucket like everyone around me seems to think.

    Make sure your provider is feeding him slowly (paced feeding). I made my husband watch a YouTube video on this after I watched him feed the baby 3oz in 2 minutes flat. He had her tipped back with the bottle dripping down her throat. Nooo! I can make the same bottle last 10 minutes+ by feeding her more like breastfeeding. It makes a huge difference. A lot of daycares are used to formula fed babies and have no idea what it takes to deal with a BF baby.

    We send 4 3.5oz bottles for 10 hrs of daycare and that is really on the higher end. Maybe smaller bottles more often would work? Don't let them force you into a situation where you think you don't have enough milk when you really do!

    I hate to blog (more!) in your comments, but I can relate to this situation as LO is the same age. Email me if you want more suggestions! I went through issues with production with my son and am so happy that it is working out OK now with my daughter.

    1. Oh thank you so much for this awesome comment! It is indeed exhausting. I underestimated it. I thought it would just be so easy, I go pump and bring home milk for the next day. That's that. It is straight up BANANAS. I'm going to pump every 2 hours today and I took More Milk + all night (you know, everytime I got up to feed him), so maybe I'll make a bit more. I came home early yesterday to feed him, and now we don't have enough for three feedings. SIGH. I have a handout on bottle feeding the breastfed baby and will share it with my provider today. Baby is only going for half-days this week but I've got to get her on board.

  2. So many hugs. That sounds exhausting!

    1. Hugs back. IT IS. :/

  3. I remember it being so effing hard going from one kid to two and I didn't even go back to work. Yes, there is a lot to be thankful for, but shit, mama, you have a lot on your plate.

    It must be so annoying that some people think it is funny and/or charming the whole newborn craziness. I'd want to rip their heads off.

    Love and hugs to you. I'm so sorry it is so hard right now.

    1. Thanks Julie. I'm hoping the supplementing helps things seem less frantic. Gah.


Post a Comment