Various Thrilling Updates

After not eating enough on Saturday and being HANGRY beyond belief, I decided to abandon the whole 30 plan even more and GASP! had two items that contained sugar: cocoa pork and chipotle roasted yams.

PEOPLE THE WORLD IS STILL SPINNING.

I joke, but I think I've been undereating during the past few weeks because 1. I've been sick and 2. have no energy to cook most of the allowed foods. After overdoing it yesterday and well, undereating, I felt worse today than I have in a few days, so I bumped up the carbs a bit. I had potatoes with brunch. TWO servings of fruit and THEN TO GET REALLY CRAZY I had blueberries for dessert tonight.

I don't know why it is that I think I have to put myself through this kind of rigor: what the hell am I trying to prove? I mean. What's the point? I thought about this as I wagged trash down the hall yesterday; some people who had gestational diabetes before would just be eating like normal, i.e. grilled cheeses! and maybe just cutting out cookies sometimes. 

Me? I have to do it to the goddamn extreme. SELF, YOU ARE EXHAUSTINGLY FRUSTRATING.

And I wonder the same thing about the C-section. I asked myself this and waited for the answer the other night: why do you have to make it so hard on yourself? I mean, MY GOD, you've been through the frigging RINGER trying to have a second baby, so what is it exactly that you're trying to prove by having a VBAC and ACTING -- COMPLETELY JUST ACTING -- like you're all laid back about it? Like it's no big deal. It'll be exactly like that video I watched on Baby Center. Just like that.

Why, HL, WHY, couldn't this be a time where you say, you know, you've been through enough. You've had enough uncertainty and goddamn patience and character building to last a lifetime, with a mere EIGHT hysteroscopies scraping your uterus free of scar tissue to the cost of a Honda Civic. Two horrible miscarriages. Isn't that enough? Isn't that enough to prove? Couldn't this be the time where I say, YESSIREEEE SIGN ME UP FOR THE EASIER WAY PLEASE.

And I didn't have a good answer as to why not.

So. I'll be electing to have a repeat C-section. If you judge me, that's cool. It can't be any worse than the number I've already done on myself. I really mean that; the hard part here was releasing my own judgement around it and these ongoing, impossible standards I hold myself to. And I guess the world will also still turn with that. ;)


Comments

  1. I think it's only fair to tell you that you are my hero. Again. I have self conversations like this regularly but not very often do they end in a moment of clarity, where I come up with the completely logical answer that everyone else was wondering why I didn't just go with in the first place. Healthy baby and happy mama sound like a total winner to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. I'm struggling and it's so helpful to chronicle it here. ;)

      Delete
  2. I remember being so insistent about having a VBAC when I had Murphy. And it didn't happen. In the end it doesn't matter how your baby gets here. I am sure I thought about it the first few months after he was born that I was a wee disappointed that I was never going to experience a "non-surgical" birth, but now I never ever think about it.

    I don't know why anyone would ever judge you or anyone for their birthing choices. Everyone's body is so different. When I ended up having my second c-section, after a 'mere' 15 hours of hard labor that just stopped (I think you know that 15 hours is NOTHING when the first time around was 36 hours of pure effing hurting, triple doses of pitocin to try to make something that was never going to be happen. I believe you had something similar, right?), I was told after several transfusions & drugged up on Fentanyl that my uterus was about to burst. I have no regrets, but I would do a scheduled c-section if I ever did a re-do. Take care of yourself, momma.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeh Julie, I think that's the thing about VBACs -- you really have to want them to want to go through it. I just don't feel that way! You're the second woman I've heard from since I made my decision that said they wished they had just opted for the repeat C-S.

      Delete
  3. I think that is a GREAT decision!! Totally what I would do if I were in your shoes. :D So excited for a new baby!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I'm excited about my decision too. :)

      Delete
  4. Melissa R.1:12 PM

    I tried for a VBAC with my second and it did not work out. at all. So, horrible labor and THEN surgery. Third time I just scheduled that shit on a day convenient for all of us. Much nicer all around. Give yourself a break and do the c-section--not like you're wimping out by having major surgery!!!
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Such a great point -- choosing to have major surgery is NOT wimping out! Love that! Thanks!

      Delete

Post a Comment