After not eating enough on Saturday and being HANGRY beyond belief, I decided to abandon the whole 30 plan even more and GASP! had two items that contained sugar: cocoa pork and chipotle roasted yams.
PEOPLE THE WORLD IS STILL SPINNING.
I joke, but I think I've been undereating during the past few weeks because 1. I've been sick and 2. have no energy to cook most of the allowed foods. After overdoing it yesterday and well, undereating, I felt worse today than I have in a few days, so I bumped up the carbs a bit. I had potatoes with brunch. TWO servings of fruit and THEN TO GET REALLY CRAZY I had blueberries for dessert tonight.
I don't know why it is that I think I have to put myself through this kind of rigor: what the hell am I trying to prove? I mean. What's the point? I thought about this as I wagged trash down the hall yesterday; some people who had gestational diabetes before would just be eating like normal, i.e. grilled cheeses! and maybe just cutting out cookies sometimes.
Me? I have to do it to the goddamn extreme. SELF, YOU ARE EXHAUSTINGLY FRUSTRATING.
And I wonder the same thing about the C-section. I asked myself this and waited for the answer the other night: why do you have to make it so hard on yourself? I mean, MY GOD, you've been through the frigging RINGER trying to have a second baby, so what is it exactly that you're trying to prove by having a VBAC and ACTING -- COMPLETELY JUST ACTING -- like you're all laid back about it? Like it's no big deal. It'll be exactly like that video I watched on Baby Center. Just like that.
Why, HL, WHY, couldn't this be a time where you say, you know, you've been through enough. You've had enough uncertainty and goddamn patience and character building to last a lifetime, with a mere EIGHT hysteroscopies scraping your uterus free of scar tissue to the cost of a Honda Civic. Two horrible miscarriages. Isn't that enough? Isn't that enough to prove? Couldn't this be the time where I say, YESSIREEEE SIGN ME UP FOR THE EASIER WAY PLEASE.
And I didn't have a good answer as to why not.
So. I'll be electing to have a repeat C-section. If you judge me, that's cool. It can't be any worse than the number I've already done on myself. I really mean that; the hard part here was releasing my own judgement around it and these ongoing, impossible standards I hold myself to. And I guess the world will also still turn with that. ;)