Goals this week

Welp, my weight was up three pounds this week over last. Sigh. I kinda disintegrated with Pete gone last week. Between single parenting and a cold, there was also this overwhelming feeling of abandonment which triggered old grief and before you know it, why yes I WILL HAVE A BROWNIE. And chips. And 11,000 clementines eaten out of sheer boredom/despair.

I also think with the first trimester HANGRIES I've gotten into a bad habit of reaching for food at the slightest hint of hunger, whereas prior to getting pregnant, I'd notice it then distract myself, as my anxiety is a sneaky sonofabitch and often masquerades as hunger. Which was the case in the past few weeks. Feeling "entitled" to treats or tortilla chips or whatever just because 1. life is hard 2. Pete was gone 3. I'm overwhelmed 4. Work is crazy town 5. my blood sugar is totally fine so IT'S NOT LIKE IT MATTERS. 

Yeah, I can see how those 3 lbs in one week happened. Don't get me wrong, if I was eating from a place of hunger -- TRUE hunger -- and I gained that much, I'd be OK with it, because it's what the baby needs. But as soon as I got off the scale yesterday I felt super guilty, then thought, it's not the weight, as I'm still well within healthy guidelines. It's the act of overeating for emotional purposes. I remember in Women, Food & God Geneen Roth talks about how food can either take you away from yourself or just be well, food. And food last week, and maybe in the last few weeks, has nudged a bit closer to the former than I'd like. It's taking me away from myself, and instead of being just about nourishment for me and little dude, it's become a crutch.

So yesterday I worked from home after a harrowing ultrasound (more about that later, but suffice it to say baby is fine), I decided to notice and name each time I wanted to eat, and really sit with it to see if it was true hunger. The result? I talked myself out of three-completely-justified-in-my-logical-monkey-brain, but-so-clearly-not-a-result-of-hunger-snacks. THREE. I didn't reach for chocolate after dinner. I didn't mindlessly munch on tortilla chips while making dinner. I slowed down while I ate, and took the time to enjoy my food rather than scarf it down. I'm so goal driven that I often approach meals the same way; LET GET THIS DONE. I worked really hard in Lean Eating to undo that habit; but with the first-trimester hangries if I waited or went too slow there was a sense of panic. I'm thankful that has gone away, but unfortunately I've resorted back to my old habits. Which is probably realistic given the circumstances, yes, but still.

And while I admit a sense of relief that I was down a pound today (everyone knows the scale is notoriously untrustworthy and/or fickle), what I was proud of today was staying in the moment yesterday through the tougher times and not reaching for my woobie; having the confidence to stay in it, eyes open, feelings felt, and not dull myself with a seemingly healthy but completely unnecessary snack. 

That's my goal today, at each meal. So far so good.

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