Universe, I Hear You

It was one year ago today that I discovered I miscarried the second time, which set off the whole Asherman's discovery and treatment and well, you know, all the stuff we've been through in the past year. I noted it earlier in the month and thought I'd just see how I feel around this day as to what I needed: a hug, space, or to just go about my everyday business.

Then there were all these events that transpired that left me in a crying puddle yesterday, like a perfect storm of sadness. It was like the universe was saying HEY NOTICE THIS! PAY ATTENTION! THIS IS IMPORTANT.

Event 1: During wine-induced frank discussions with Pete last weekend (as part of Operation Chill Out and Get Knocked Up), we agreed that we were feeling overtaken by clutter. (btw, is anything sexier than talking about decluttering?) While we want to move back to the Peninsula, the rental market has lost its freaking mind. I'm afraid it's not in the cards for us right now. As you know, I've worked to find all baby clothes and pass them on, hopefully temporarily. Yesterday with Lucia down for the count I decided to continue the declutter spree, so I was finding baby stuff to pass along. So the June 22 date was in the back of my head all this week, then I was confronted with all this baby stuff. My enormous space bag cube full of maternity and newborn clothes, hey how's it going. Good to see you, although I wish it was on other terms, hope to see you again soon. All this little baby stuff all over our apartment with giant question marks all over it. Will we be able to use this again? Unsure, but we might know in the next two weeks.

Event 2: In the parking lot of the pediatrician yesterday, I see my former ob-gyn. The one who assured me that residual tissue from my first miscarriage would pass with my next period. Which ended up not and creating the scar tissue. Which is the whole reason for where we are today. I don't necessarily blame her for the Asherman's -- she was probably acting to the best of her capacity. I dunno. It's hard when you can't find fault for something like that, you know? Anyway, she didn't really recognize me and was like, oh you look great! How old is your little one now? Which? I can't tell if she didn't recognize me and those were canned responses to seeing patients or what. Either way, it was unsettling. I remember when I came in for that post-miscarriage checkup and she bounded into the room all HELLO!! with excitement, then I saw her visibly shift into Somber Doctor This Is A Sad Time mode. It was also unsettling and left me feeling like I was being treated by a robot.

Event 3: friend of a friend is 7 weeks pregnant, and posted pictures of her ultrasound yesterday. This is the thing that did me in. The last time I saw 7 week embryo images, our embryo's heart had stopped beating and I had the technician pause so I could send it love. Man that made my heart hurt just typing that. And I really did a number on myself (of course), telling myself that she deserves to be happy, I shouldn't be sad, hasn't enough time passed dude? It just gutted me. I'm envious of the sheer joy we're newly pregnant time. She didn't try to get pregnant for very long. It's unfair.

Event 4: I'm going to see two very good girlfriends and their new babies tomorrow at a group BBQ. These are my PEEPS, and know everything. But dude, for the third miscarriage I was due between when they had their babies.It's hard not to think of the what-ifs, especially in light of items 1-4 above.

Event 5: I'm in the two-week wait window, which is really just 9 more days, I'm telling myself. We had a good month, aiming for a little later in my cycle and managing to rally TOO MUCH INFO ALERT: four times during the window. Pete jokingly said last month that we should use that iPhone app as a guide: it tells you to go for it on Days 10-14, and I've gotten pregnant generally around Day 15-16 (which is how we kept "accidentally" getting pregnant, I was going by the app, and it turns out. Noted, and adjusted our tactics accordingly. We are hopeful, but it's the longest two weeks ever. I mentally flip back and forth to estimating my due date to envisioning when we'll throw in the towel and pursue surrogacy. I'm waiting until next Sunday to take a test.

So there it is. Universe, I have heard you. I said to my therapist last night, I hate that this is my journey. Hate it. Hate that I'm still walking around being that woman who still cries over her miscarriages. But I have to be more gentle with myself; I'm not a robot and this is what's happening for me, right here and right now. I'm taking pause and working through feeling today, what it means, what it doesn't mean, how it felt a year ago. Tomorrow I'll be back to kicking ass and taking names. But today, I'm pausing.

Comments

  1. I think you need a good firm reminder of how awesome you are. You are fulling laying yourself out here for not only your own sanity, but for the sanity of everyone else who is going through the heartbreaking gut wrenching process of ttc and for everyone going through the gut wrenching heart breaking process of trying to lose weight. You always manage to give me a huge does of perspective and the whole stop and deal with the feelings that are ok to feel. I am blessed to know you.

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    1. Thank you so much for that. Hug across the miles. It's a very unique process and I put this stuff up here to help me frame it and get that perspective.

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  2. I know it's cheesy but all I can really say is <3

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    1. Thanks friend. Loved that Starbucks called you Kimora, made me LOL.

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  3. great post. heartbreaking, honest. love you.

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    1. Thanks mama. I'm in it. Tomorrow will be better.

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  4. I really am sorry you are going through this and I also admire your ability to put it out here and to take the time to process it and understand how you feel. I admire you and Pete and your strength as individuals and as a couple. I am going to continue to be optimistic for you.

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