Not Pregnant

Not pregnant this month. We got busy on the high and peak days, according to the Ovulator 3000, but then I had to go out of town so we didn't get to uh, do it on the second peak day. I figured it was kinda a long shot this month, so I prepped myself the past two weeks when I'd be all I'M REALLY HUNGRY THEREFORE... (which, btw, I've figured out that my anxiety masquerades as hunger, um ALOT), and told myself probably not dude. So this morning when I took a test I wasn't devastated. Just blergh.

I'm still telling myself I'm 1. only 38.5 and 2. not going to freak out until we've been doing this for 6 months. I'm not going to go to the doctor, because that assumes that something is wrong. I'm hopeful nothing is wrong; my doctor is one of the best in the country and if he said it was a green light, it's a green light. If some of the scarring has come back (my worst fear) then it's still not hopeless -- plenty of women have conceived with scarring.

The past 6 months in our lives have been immeasurably amazing in so many ways, and it's true, life is great. I'm starting to let go of some of the fear-based anxiety around the whole conceiving thing and realizing that it may not happen for us. It just might not. We have each other; I've never felt closer to Pete and more in love with Lucia.

(Pause for tears)

But I really want to have another baby. I want Lucia to have at least one sibling.

I'm off to go cry some more and get on with my day.

So. Onto another month.


  1. sorry honey:(

    Keep being courageous.

    1. Thanks Julie. Sigh.

  2. I hear you. It's ok to have all those feelings. I wish that I could give you a hug right now.

    1. Thank you friend. Hope to see you in person soon!


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