If But And
It often happens this way, I'm realizing: symptoms of trying to wrangle some tough emotional stuff are addressed, i.e. no sugar declaration, rather than just allowing the tough emotional stuff to breathe. I'm not saying that in a self-critical way, but more of an observational/detective kind of way. I make these harsh rules and tell myself OK GET IT TOGETHER, and I think -- and this totally right up Geneen Roth's alley -- is what I'm actually try to restrict is feeling.
I'm letting my amazing friend borrow baby clothes for her little girl, and a part of me is so terrified I'll never get to use them again. I felt great about it, then increasingly sadder as the day went on. Probably because I had told myself THIS IS AWESOME! And it was! And is! I truly feel a weight lifted off my shoulders for not seeing baby stuff around the apartment and thinking IF ONLY. But there was that sadness part that needed to be noticed, named and nurtured. I tried to will it away all day. But tonight I just broke down and bawled. And I feel better. I'm still going to hand over the clothes for her to borrow. I will probably take the stroller listing off Craigslist; I just don't think I can sell it.
For me, the thing I struggle the most is trying to be with a range of feelings and not put them in neat buckets. I'm happy/relieved/excited to hand them over. But a part of me is sad. It's OK to be both those things.