This is What I Mean

I'm writing this to remind myself the next time I want to go on a sugar bender because goddammit I have "earned it."

Less than 48 hours out from my sugar binge and I feel anxious. Depressed. Sad. Uncertain about the future. Negative. Uncharacteristically so. I've thought a lot about this each time it happens (as a result of anxious overthinking that always result) and wondered, is this a guilt-shame thing going on here, or is it truly a physiological thing?

I'm pretty sure it's just physiological. I eat squeaky clean each week; veggies at each meal, starchy carbs only post-workout. No wine. I avoid sugar, but have been known to crack out on trail mix from time to time (cannot keep that shiz in the house), and god knows if there's peanut butter in the house I'm a goner. Ok and maybe tortilla chips. Ok maybe I don't eat 90% squeaky clean. BUT, god knows I'm entitled to eat some non-squeaky clean stuff once in a while, right? Meaning, the resulting feeling of shittiness can't be guilt-shame related. Something happens when I eat too much sugar; there seems to be a shift in my brain. So while the goal is to eliminate it; it's also to eliminate the slightly-disordered game I've been playing with myself where starting on Wednesdays each week I deprive deprive deprive like crazy so I can see a good number on Saturday's weigh in, then binge on Saturday/Sunday. As we say in Lean Eating, how's that working for ya? It's not working for me AT ALL. The best I've ever felt, health-wise, was when I do the Whole 30. Period. 

I wish that I could moderate trigger foods, I really do. It's a goal to aim towards, but for now, apparently there's some more work to do on these. 

Onward and upward. 

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