No Big Deal

I got a very generous J.Crew gift card for Christmas and have been fairly paralyzed over how to spend it. Should I continue building my sweater empire? Agonizingly, ridiculous debate over the exact khakis?

Then last week when in Beast Mode, I pulled out one my suits from there, purchased in 2005 when I was a size 10. It was ridiculously expensive (for me) but it's held up, I had it tailored to be somewhere around a size 8. I had to belt the pants um, a lot to get them to look right last week. But still, it looked amazing and I thought damn these suits were worth it. I have two other suits from there, one of them being summer weight and my go-to ensem in the warmer months.

So you know where I'm going with this, right? These suits can cost me $600 each in 2005, minus the summer one which was bought at ridiculous discount and which I wisely bought the smaller pants. At the J.Crew website they now have Factory (outlet) on the weekends. Sometimes it's crappy quality, I've learned. But most times it's pretty good. They had a navy cotton suit with pants on sale for $211. Done and done. But I ordered the size 6, because I knew that I was headed there eventually, maybe not today, but eventually.

The box arrived last night; Pete saw it in our lobby as he went out to have some alone time (Lucia's home for Spring Break this week). I didn't run down there; it probably won't fit, I thought. No use getting all excited. It'll fit eventually. He brought it up when he came home, but I wanted to go to bed. Don't get excited, I thought. You're not there yet.

I opened it this morning, and carefully unwrapped it. It's the perfect weight for summer and the color is so versatile. I'm in love with it. I placed it on a chair and tucked the box away with the receipts and packaging folded neatly as I thought, it will probably be going back because it's too small. Especially right out the box; there's no way it would fit. Maybe try it in a few weeks?

Then I thought, no, let's try it now so when you try it in a few weeks you'll be psyched about the progress you've made. I have five public hearings to staff next month and need to look badass. I shimmied into the pants, as I eased the waist over my thighs I prepared myself: you're doing great in your program, and this will fit perfectly in a few weeks. Do not panic. 

But I buttoned the pants, and um. They fit. I put on the jacket and buttoned it. It fits. No pulling across the boobs, no cutting off the circulation at the waist. They fit. It fits. My size 6 suit from J.Crew fits. 

It fits. 

Holy shit. 

I came in and showed Pete and he congratulated me and told me how proud he was, he's seeing real changes in my body and that he knows I've worked hard. I'm seeing huge changes on the inside too, and it's what they keep telling us in the program: what the mind believes the body will follow. I'm working closer and closer to being authentic to myself, and that means an authentic body that matches the inside. I can't even believe it. A size 6 suit. Fits. 


  1. good on you girl!

  2. You rock!!! And this is a big deal!

    1. Thanks!! It felt like a very big deal, but that, said sarcastically, is one of my catchphrases these days. "Just walked 2.5 miles to work, no big deal." :D

  3. Best feeling ever, huh!
    Yay for you! Can't wait to see the bad ass picture of you in it!


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