What Do You Need?

Friends and family keep asking me. I don't know. Pete asks me. I don't know. My therapist asks me. I don't know. I ask me. I don't know.

I could itemize the mixed emotions; my natural instinct -- and frankly what's worked in the past is to troubleshoot and develop a FEEL BETTER NOW plan. But it seems almost offensive to do that right now. So here I am. I don't know what I need, and maybe it's just space to process. I've felt my emotional walls go up (in a good way) to create boundaries around stuff that just seems too much right now. The friend that needs help proofing their resume. That friend I need to follow up and see how she's doing. That birthday card I meant to send. Sorry, those things will have to wait.

I guess all I can do is continue moving forward with life, you know? Make dinner. Empty dishwasher. Load dishwasher. Pack gym bag. Work out. I feel numb. This just sucks.

And yet, life marches on. I had a massive migraine today (vision in my right eye went out and everything). Pete's car got broken into, rendering the ignition unusable. We have date night Friday night and tonight I bought red lipstick for it - the first time I've ever worn it.

Life marches on. I wish there was something that I could do in this time of uncertainty -- the Team Hansen Member 4 question mark time -- previously referred to as Fertility Question Mark time but we now know that's not a problem -- and let me just note here that I know I'm fortunate in that regard. I have no problem getting pregnant. That cannot be said for other women.

But we don't know when I'll get my period and when the tests will be scheduled and when we'll know more and when we can try again and when we'll know if that pregnancy (which seems insanely impossible to say that it will be my FIFTH) will make it, and etc. etc. etc.

So here I am. Not knowing what I need, and marching along with life. I guess this is all I can do, right?


  1. I know what you need.
    You need good things to come your way.

    Sending love. That is all I can do.


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