Opting for No Thanks
I was supposed to get my HCG levels taken again today to make sure they returned to baseline. I don't have any pregnancy symptoms; I'm having more PMS-like symptoms but not pregnancy symptoms, other than being exhausted. So I decided not to go. It was just going to bring me down and make me sad. Speaking of sad, I keep having this fantasy thought that maybe the second test was just wrong! Maybe! Then I remember the ultrasound. No bubble.
Also, if I had gone to get the bloodwork today, as directed, I would have to hear from the fertility nurses again. I just couldn't handle that -- they're incredibly insensitive. They emailed me Thursday to ask me to take a pregnancy test; I emailed back that I already saw the doctor and there's no embryo in my uterus, so I won't be taking another test. If they had read my chart before they sent that email, they would have known that. I'm feeling like I'm being treated by a number BIG TIME and I'm really trying not to take it personally. I have been told a few times that I'm now classified in the "recurrent loss pregnancy" category. I can't think of myself that way; I'll get in a super negative mindset that is not helpful to growing a baby. I'll go through with the testing, whenever my period returns (anywhere in the next 3 weeks) but it seems like the Fertility Specialist is really, really eager to deal with my "case" and kinda licking her chops over the mystery of it, like it's a goddamn Scooby Doo episode. And that's fine -- I get that, she's a scientist and is eager to get started. But for me this just isn't particularly exciting or on the other hand, ho-hum (as the nurses seem to act like). It's extremely sensitive, and God knows I can't be the only woman who feels this way.
A general note about this whole freaking debacle:
This goes without saying, but as someone who is CONSTANTLY scanning the horizon to make to-do lists and more often, create 5000 contingencies and who spends an insane amount of energy forecasting what's ahead, not knowing what's on the horizon or even when my period will show up is freaking UNNERVING. Character building? Unquestionably. But also really frustrating and difficult.