I'm now drinking a glass of wine and watching the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, one of my all time favorite movies.

Today after I called the fertility specialists twice asking for a call back for some answers to my questions, I received an email telling me they had booked an appointment for me 2 weeks from today.

Um. No.

I tried very hard to control my rage and said very nicely, this is my third miscarriage in a year. I'm sure you understand how frustrating that can be, and can you please have someone, anyone call me to answer my questions?

They called. The nurses suspected it was the question mark material in my uterus that caused the elevated HCG levels. To me that meant that I imagined the whole thing. Um, no. I pushed for an appointment.

Pete couldn't make it: he was stuck in meetings in SF. In case you didn't know, he's the Chief Designer at a startup company and they're about to launch. It's crazy time.

So I went alone. The nurse checked me and asked me the purpose of my visit. I started crying and told her I think I've just had my third miscarriage. She said, let me give you a hug. With tears in her eyes she told me about her miscarriage; there was no heartbeat. I told her I've experienced that, twice.

The doc came in. We talked and I said that I felt pregnant this past week. Exhausted, sleeping really deep, enhanced sense of smell and taste, etc. She said it was definitely a pregnancy, meaning not just the weird uterus stuff, but likely a chemical pregnancy. 

We did an ultrasound; it was way too early to see anything anyway (but I remember at 4 weeks last fall we could at least see a bubble). No bubble. Just a chemical pregnancy. Meaning my hormones elevated; conception happened but the implantation and development after that never happened. There were some crazy stripes and thickness in my uterus but otherwise, no embryo. We'll be taking my HCG levels again Sunday to make sure they have resume to pre-pregnancy levels.

I don't know if this qualifies as a full on miscarriage, but it's a miscarriage to me: a pregnancy that never got out of the gates. So much bliss and magic, then nope. Not again.

What does this mean for future testing? Same thing as it meant a week ago: we have to wait for my cycle, and then 7-11 days after we'll start the testing.

I cried a lot today. Not a little, a lot. In my cube. On the subway on the way to the doctor. I'm angry. I'm so fucking frustrated. I cannot believe this shit. I ran as part of my warm up today and you can bet your ass I'll be running tomorrow.


  1. I think anything that makes you think you're going to have a baby and doesn't result in a baby counts as a miscarriage.

    I'm so sorry.

  2. I was thinking about you yesterday while on my run and sending you waves of hope. I'm really, really sorry.

  3. I agree with Robin.

    I am just so deeply sorry you are going through this. I am glad the nurse gave you a hug. I wish I could.

  4. Parker10:41 AM

    My heart is hurting for you, mama. Good for you for pushing to get in and getting some answers. Stay strong, and here's hoping for more answers in the coming weeks...


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