Cobwebby

So remember 2 weeks ago when those super helpful nurses at the Reproductive Endocrinologist's (hereafter referred to as the RE) responded to my 2 voice mails with a reassuring appointment with my RE for TODAY? Even though I saw that other doctor who confirmed the chemical pregnancy, I kept this appointment with my RE. Given my period hasn't shown up, my boobs are so sore I want to cry, and I'm terrified for Pete to stand too close to me for fear of getting pregnant again and prolonging the inevitable, yessir I kept the appointment. 

So I'll refresh your memory: whenever I was to going to get my period, we were going to be off to the races with tests. First, start taking birth control pills to thin out my lining. Second, EXTENSIVE bloodwork (trust me on those all caps, mk?) to be taken the 2nd or 3rd day of my period, then we were going to do three uterus/structural tests: the HSG, the Hysteroscopy and the Saline Infusion Sonogram. 

PARTY!!!! 

Except as you know, my period has never shown up. I had something that resembled a period (?) in July, then waited and waited in August. And then was pregs and then wasn't.

So. Here I go into my appointment, convinced she'll do an ultrasound and say, Ok dude! You're going to get your period in 10 days. Sit tight! Hang in there! Not much longer! And most of all: DON'T STAND NEXT TO YOUR HUSBAND. 

However, I get in there (my mom and Lucia chaperoned-- awwwww), and she does the ultrasound and basically says, your uterus looks really strange. Are you on board with doing the HSG Hysteroscopy today, because I think we need some answers. 

Hells to the yes I am. LET'S DO THIS. Never mind I was given a prescription for vicodin and valium for this, LET'S DO IT. She reassured me it wasn't as painful as the D&C, which legitimately felt like being stabbed in the uterus (and if you think about it, it actually WAS). 

So here we go! Lucia is watching the Jetsons on my phone, the nurse gets out all the equipment which includes about 2 feet of this black cable with a light on the end and my mom is ready to stand watch and give me reassuring looks when I appear to want to faint/cry. The doc swabs my cervix with iodine and the party starts. We're mining and digging through the caverns of my uterus. Only instead of cavernous and warm and pink and pillowy, like you'd imagine it looks? It looks cobwebby; like an old haunted mansion. And she can't find my left fallopian tube at all, because welp, there's cobwebs grown over it. 

Those cobwebs? That's scar tissue. I kept asking my mom if the doc used the word extensive; we couldn't remember but we agree that she indicated it was not a little scar tissue. So much scar tissue that worst-case scenario, we might have to remove my left fallopian tube because it's jacked. But the right is clear and happy and free. Mary has aptly named her Ms. Righty, which is just awesome. 

Now, are you asking WTF and how does scar tissue get in there?

ME TOO. 

I only have theories. At Kaiser they get super squirrelly when you start asking questions like how could this happen, say when your uterus comes apart the night you bring your baby home from the NICU. So they just move onto here's how we're going to fix it. But I can't stop thinking about the how in the hell this happened anyway. Also, can we just collectively roll our eyes that there's a whole website and name for this, complete with grades? You get an A in uterine scarring, because you are one badass in scarring! 

So I'm like, well is this from the D&C? Answer: maybe. Is this from the first miscarriage? Also maybe. And then I started thinking about it more and more this afternoon and wondered if this was from the IUD? The first one? The second one? Because after the first one I was able to carry Lucia to term, so does that mean it was the second one?

How does scar tissue grow? Will the pill help? Is this endometriosis? Will I always have to worry about scar tissue? I mean, won't it just keep growing back?

I guess it doesn't really matter. The good news about today? Both docs assured me this is fixable; we'll go in next week (likely Tuesday) and cut it out. You can bet I'll be taking the vicodin and valium that day, folks. Once it's out, I think and hope and pray we'll get the green light to stand next to my husband again. In the meanwhile, thank god in heaven I'm on the pill to thin out the lining further (and also not get pregnant ;) ) 

I know I have so much to be thankful for in fertility woes, but man I was super bummed to see all those cobwebs. And frankly, terrified about losing a fallopian tube. Mostly because I really don't want to have surgery again. And also because well, it's my lady parts and my damn tube. I was born with it and it would be weird to not have it be a part of me anymore. 

I dunno. I have said all along that I was feeling fairly broken about my fertility issues, and today kinda confirmed it: yep, definitely busted. Fixable, but still busted. It's just a bummer. But I also know it's better to know what's wrong than to have it be a giant question mark for a zillion more weeks. 

I'm hopeful we can de-cobweb and put this behind us soon. Then I can start bitching about pregnancy again, just like old times! 

Comments

  1. I am so glad your mom was with you.

    Didn't you have a c-section? Would the scarring be from that??

    What a flipping journey this has been for you...hugs to you and Pete.

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  2. Wow.

    I'm so glad to hear that it's fixable. I'm sorry that you are having to go through all this. You may have a lot to be thankful for in fertility woes, but that doesn't make it any less stressful and unpleasant.

    Good luck with the next step. One step closer to baby. :)

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  3. Thank you Julie and Robin. My lone commenters! Greatly appreciate it. I did have a C-section Julie, and remember it was infected? I suspect it's from that. Intrauterine adhesions are really common after a D&C but 2 of my miscarriages were before the D&C. Like I said, I know it doesn't matter HOW they got there, but on some level I really, really want to know.

    Thanks Robin. All of this is kinda unbelievable. It's like suspended animation. I wish I could say I'm at a hopeful place with everything but I'm just not. I think the BC pills are affecting my mood as well (I'm on them until we're done with the procedures).

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