The Rage Stage

I pulled out every emotional eating book I have and read key passages last night. I was going to stop this feeling of wanting to stuff myself into oblivion, yessiree. You give me a task, I'll get it done. Last night it was about getting to the bottom of WTF was up with me.

I did find reading -- the first few chapters I got through last night anyway -- Women, Food & God totally different this time around, I didn't have a Eureka moment. Nor did I have one I went into my therapy appointment today with an itemized list of all the things that could possible be wrong. It wasn't until the last 10 minutes that I touched upon the rage. I said I am furious with about as much intonation as "I have to pee." We both noticed it and explored it and then it just all came pouring out. I said I felt like punching something. She mentioned I don't talk about anger much or show anger; I'm too busy compartmentalizing or coming up with some type of mitigation strategy, as if it's an environmental disaster I'd use my work skills to crisis manage. Anger is no bueno in my book. It's not OK to just simply be pissed off. It has to be something else or expressed as sadness or hurt or whatever.

While I am going to punch the punching bag at the gym tomorrow, tonight I got dressed to go for a walk to get my head in a better place, then crumpled up on the sofa and cried and cried. Pete wiped my face and encouraged me to go back out, but I told him I just wanted to be held and heard.

I cannot believe I had a second miscarriage. I know I was there for it. I remember my symptoms going away. I was there for the D&C and saw the "tissue" as they call it afterwards floating in the specimen cup bound for the lab. Incidentally, my doctor emailed me last week with Good News!! They found evidence it was a miscarriage; it wasn't a molar pregnancy. That "good news" felt like a punch in the gut. Great news! That WAS in fact a human being developing inside of you! But now it's dead!! And gone!!

I just can't believe this whole thing. It feels absolutely unbelievable on some level. I keep saying to Pete, did that happen?? Really? Seriously??? THIS is our story now? Tried for a baby for 6 months after the first miscarriage, then a SECOND MISCARRIAGE?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

I mean. Really. I feel like I got brushed aside or pushed at a public event by some pencil-necked teenager. I want to grab him by the collar and shake him. WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE. WHAT THE HELL?

How unfair is this? Except when I think about it, the word unfair is actually really terrible, because in what world would this be fair to anyone?

And now we're going to see a specialist BECAUSE SOMETHING IS WRONG? I kept asking Pete tonight, HOW IS THIS OUR STORY? TELL ME HOW. BECAUSE I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW THIS COULD BE.

It does not compute. On a fundamental level. It doesn't make sense and does. NOT. Compute.

Wait, we're kidding, right? Joking? This is all some big huge joke or some mistake. Right? I just want to rewind the month of June and make it not be.

But then I remember the fundus and how that one day during that 3 week window of hope and dreaming that Lucia, who God bless her has inherited my stinky feet, took off her shoes in the car and I turned 5 shades of green and had to hang my head out the window to not barf. Today she took her shoes off in the car and I couldn't smell them. Pete said it was so weird. I thought it was sad.

It happened. It was real and awful and shake-your-head-in-disbelief horrible. And all the cookies in the world can't change it; I know that. I am just having a helluva time being present with all of that. Although I am sticking to my Whole 30 commitment, I cannot tell you how hard it's been to not have my friend sugar to ease my woes these past 5 days. This is what it's all about, I know. Cue motivational speech. This is about stripping away the ways I use food to soothe myself and to get really raw. Raw and ragey, party of 1.

Comments

  1. Heather
    I had tears in my eyes reading this post- it was so honest and raw. I hope that being able to express these emotions to your therapist and loved ones in your life and through this blog help because I really do believe in the power of experiencing an emotion not matter how awful over all the work it takes to stuff it and manage it. I won't say anything cheer leady- this post was too honest and real for that and you have a right to your rage and sadness and I won't do anything to talk you out of what is a very real and honest reaction.

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  2. Oh Heather. I felt like I was punched in the gut when I first read that you had another miscarriage so I can only imagine that for you--who it actually happened to--felt that by a million times.

    It is unfair.

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  3. Thank you so much Jen and Julie. I really appreciate your support as I work through all this stuff. The ugliness included. HUGS to you.

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