Clarity Found

You know, I go back and forth all the time questioning what I write here. Should I just keep it to updates on lighter stuff? Like the fact Aveda has discontinued their Curl Control product I love so much (DEVASTATION)? Should I break off a new blog, and segment a new blog for here's my fitness updates, measurements, etc., one for emotional stuff, one for pithy updates on hair, makeup and the like?

Nah. For me anyway, I feel like since my life isn't segmented, I'll keep it here. I do still have four active blogs, but they all serve different purposes. This here is my traditional blog; it's where you find me.

I read many, many blogs that delve into the darker side of weight loss/body image/food issues; the same things I struggle with. It's hard to read those blogs some days, the posts are often so focused on picking apart the nitty gritty and writing out the dark, dark stuff. I rarely comment, not because I don't support the author but because I don't know what to say. Also, a lot of the time the content is almost transcendental in tone and I can't follow. 

I think about all of this when I'm going to write an update like tonight, where I want to tell you what's going on, but then I remember the dark posts and think, maybe not. But since this update is essentially about my path to living a more authentic life, I'm going to write about it anyway. I'll try to stay snarky and light as much as I can. It's good news, after all. Can't get much more dark and twisty than my previous miscarriage posts anyway, am I right? 

I am finally, FINALLY LET'S SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS closing in on some real clarity on my food issues. The simultaneous dueling obsession of structure and habit of using food to shove down my emotions; it's origins and the reasons why. 

I am realizing that my weight -- and understand me when I say that my "weight" I fully understand I know I'm not severely obese -- is all about clinging onto the notion of not being able to be myself. When I imagine myself at my goal weight, I imagine being seen for WHO I REALLY AM. I won't get into the how or why here but this is where it is. Boiled down to the essence.

And so, my prescription is simply this: Behave as if I am at my goal weight, starting NOW. Set boundaries with relationships, sit with ambivalence and tough emotions, SHOW UP, be brave and be MYSELF. My true, authentic self that is full of flaws but honest and true to herself nonetheless. 

I feel such relief finally uncovering this. There's been a real reason I've clung onto this weight; I've always said it was my security blanket and now I understand why and even more? I'm ready to let it go. I saw this on another blog tonight and fell in love with it. This -- THIS right here, is what I'm talking about:


Living with integrity means:
  • Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships.
  • Asking for what you want and need from others.
  • Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension.
  • Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.
  • Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.

~Barbara De Angelis


I've already started, incrementally, over the past few months by being brutally honest in relationships, especially when it comes to asking for what I want and need. I had no idea how much anxiety was created by NOT doing that and hoping and wishing someone would mind-read and come to my rescue. Passive aggressive, party of 1. I've experimented with disappointing people and being brutally honest, and whaddya know, the world is still spinning. 

Comments

  1. So, I totally appreciate finding you here. The ups and downs, dark and uplotting, funny and sad. You're being authentic....gives the rest of us courage. Thanks - and cheers to figuring out some of the steps toward freedom!

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  2. Exactly, life goes on and we feel whole, free and alive. And that "dark" stuff... we all deal with. Sometimes when we let it out, it's enough to free us. And in the process, others can support us in a way we hadn't thought possible, or maybe, just maybe, that "dark" stuff will help someone else in a way we never imagined. I know that's a lot of what I've experienced. When you know letting it out, no matter what "it" is, isn't just therapeutic for yourself, it's also therapy for others, it makes it essential to life. :)

    (((((((Heather)))))))

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  3. When I imagine myself at my goal weight, I imagine being seen for WHO I REALLY AM. .
    What a revelation. I can totally relate to that.
    Write what you feel and what you need to write. We are not here reading to only read the 'fun' stuff. I completely agree with what T said in her comment: When you know letting it out, no matter what "it" is, isn't just therapeutic for yourself, it's also therapy for others, it makes it essential to life. :)

    And 4 blogs??? huh. What am I missing? I know you had another invite only one a while back (sorry if i just let the cat out the bag. Doh!), but I have not been able to get on that one in many months.

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  4. Thanks so much, ladies!! Julie, don't worry, you're not missing out on a blog -- I participate in a weight loss blog with 2 girlfriends, I write for Team Hansen, and I write a private blog to Lucia to share milestones (sad and happy).

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