Yesterday I realized that welp, I've had a tough time professionally since relocating to California. You might not know this about me from this blog or from my posts of late, but in Maryland I was pretty much a badass. Not a badass in my head, like I am when I squat with a whole 10 lbs, and consider myself a fitness success story (ha hahahahahahah!) but an actual badass. I was a badass. I won't go on about it, just trust me when I say I was a badass. Legend. Killer reputation for being the BEST.
More importantly, I was fearless. Confident. I made quick decisions and didn't second-guess myself EVER. I made quick decisions that were dead-on.
It's a lot different today. True, the stakes are higher: I'm providing for a family and have new job which I'm thankful for. Then: My job basically supported my happy hour habit, covered the rent, and I continuously felt like the company was LUCKY to have me.
I wish I felt that way today. I wish my last job didn't rattle my confidence to the core. I wish I didn't self-flagellate over every decision at my new job and I wish more than anything, I could just be a badass again. I wish I wasn't consumed by anxiety and instead just acted.
I know it's about taking baby steps, and feeling slightly more confident incrementally. But sometimes, like yesterday, I end up crying in the conference room convinced my worst fears are coming true and wondering, how the hell did I get here.
Then I go to therapy and re-tell the stories of my last job and realize: THAT'S how I got here. And I wish it was as easy as saying, that was then, this is now. I really do. But sometimes it's not that easy.
Everyone feels wobbly sometime, my mother in law reminded me last night. She's right. Pete texted me and reminded me I'm a total badass, so stop acting like anything but. Lauren told me to breathe deep and just stop going to the scary place.
I'm trying to take deep breaths and visualize how I felt in Maryland; to push through the scaries and visualize being amazing. Sometimes it's highly effective, like today. So I guess I'll keep plodding through and trying to listen to myself and channel my inner badass.
If you have any tips on how to overcome a really bad professional experience, I'm all ears.