My Grandmother

Her official obit is here. I've been putting off grieving, because I honestly can't believe I'm not in Indiana for the funeral. When I got home from Florida 2 weeks ago, it was all I could think about. I methodically planned out each step as some kind of weird comforting mechanism. And then she died. And I'm unrelentingly sick and it snowballs into my asthma. And work has finally picked up and I'm super busy, and I don't think it's smart politically to leave work (unpaid, I have no vacation or sick days). 

So at my mom's insistence, I declined to make the trip. I'm so sad. It shouldn't surprise you as someone with borderline (debatable) OCD that the ritual of a funeral and the important steps that come with the grieving process. When my dad died, our minister insisted we see his body so we could process it. 

And I don't get to do that. I'm so sad. I can't go. But I think my methodically planning and MUST MAKE LISTS sometimes takes me away from feeling the feelings. Which is sadness. 

My grandmother is gone. I'm not ready to write about her just yet but I will eventually. I've closed the comments but I want you to know I've appreciated your thoughts.