Closure with a Hug
Ever since that fateful day last September, I've winced every time I have to go over to the hospital/doctor for anything. I look at the hallway where after our ultrasound we walked to the car. I sobbed as Pete cradled me, not caring how alarmed the people in the waiting room might be. I replay it over and over in my head. Yesterday I had to go to the doctor for this unrelenting cold or whatever it is, and I inadvertently got on the wrong shuttle, requiring me to cut through aforementioned hospital to get to the doctor's office. As I walked down the steps, I thought, this is where it happened. Ugh.
After my appointment, I called Pete and sweetly asked if he could come get me, as walking 5 blocks to the bus stop was not appealing. I sat in the waiting area, which was uncomfortable because the sliding door kept whisking open and it was particularly blustery yesterday, resulting in me shivering like an old lady.
And then she walked by. I did a double take. It was Annie. I looked at her, then ran to catch up with her. Excuse me, I said. She didn't hear me. I repeated it twice. She turned around.
"Is your name Annie?"
Yes, she answered.
"You were my ultrasound tech when I had a miscarriage, and I just wanted to tell you you were so wonderful. Thank you so much."
She said awwww, then opened her arms for a hug. She said patients like me were why she does her job. I thanked her again. She apologized for my loss, which as canned as it sounds on some level, is always comforting.
I know that my particular miscarriage wasn't one that was very far along and iffy from the start, but it's still been hard to get over. I don't really know why. The fear of another one looms as we've been trying to get pregnant.
Lately I've been asking God for some guidance with my anxiety and fears of fertility. This wasn't what I expected, but I think in a roundabout way having some closure on the miscarriage and some warmth to what I had -- up until yesterday -- categorized in my mind as that awful place, was really another step towards healing.