Live Your Life
The song came up as I struggled with the 9% incline today on the treadmill. I'd talked myself out of going all day, then countered carefully with all the reasons why I should go. It's only 20 or 30 minutes. You don't have to do it perfect. Just get in, get out. You can reward yourself with the steam room. Won't that feel nice?
Side note: Ever wonder why I'm continually exhausted? Because I'm constantly weighing the pros and cons and crafting clever arguments for and against everything. I'm constantly churning and overthinking everything. It is very hard to settle down, and when I try to, then I overthink that. I believe this is called, what's the word? Anxiety. Eating a low-carb diet, taking Vitamin D and getting extra sleep all help. Unfortunately, I haven't had the best week in that regard.
So there I was on the treadmill, and Rihanna's Live Your Life comes on. Yes, I thought. That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm living my life.
You see, I saw my sister's best friend this week. We have a rocky past but decided to be a part of each other's lives recently. She was in town for her husband's conference. They came over for dinner. It was wonderful. Absolutely heart-warmingly wonderful. And I deeply exhaled that night as I brushed my teeth and thought: I am better. I've put my grief for my sister aside. In the past, I tended to project my grief and particularly, the need for a person to be just like my sister, onto my sister's friend. She bore the brunt of it the worst; and she will be the first to admit, she loved me so dearly she went along with it and really, really tried to be those things for me. But the inevitable happened and we parted ways.
So that sigh I let out was believing, well I'm certainly glad I didn't feel that way this time. I went to bed and woke up Wednesday morning with a heavy blanket of sadness weighing on me. Dammit. I did it again. I was grieving my sister. Seeing her friend brought up sadness. Sadness that I'm learning is never going to go away. Sadness that I try desperately to outrun, outdo, outpace. It finds me. Last night I had a dream where my sister appeared. I was beyond elated to see her. She said, what's up? It seems like you were needing me? And yes, I was. And people, I firmly believe that in those dreams, my sister's spirit is actually here. With me. Visiting me. So when I wake up, she's gone. And there's the sadness again. The tears.
I texted my mom: I want my mommy. Please teleport yourself immediately. She texted back that this is just part of it. Living. With the sadness. My therapist yesterday recommended me doing things that made me feel alive; laughing, eating pleasurable food. Doing the things that make me feel cozy and loved and snuggled. And cardio always does that. Sweating, working through intervals. Breathing hard. Working my cardio system. My sister had an asthma attack, but eventually died of cardiac arrest. And here I was, working those same systems. Living my life.