Do Something That Scares the Bajeeezus Out of You: Feeling the Feelings
Oh good god, this is the most terrifying of all. More so than jumping rope this week, which I always always hated because I was a chubster and terribly out of shape as a kid. I did that this week, and it turns out I'm not that bad at it now. How 'bout that.
More so than doing lateral band walks in front of a group of hot guys on the basketball court.
More so than all of these other things I've posted about COMBINED.
There's been a heightened sense of anxiety this week, ehm which is a nice way of saying its been completely off the friggin charts. Lately when this happens, I'm able to step aside and be like DUDE WHAT IS YOUR DEAL? And even more recently, softly asking, hey are you ok?
Unfortunately that was not the case this week. I not only was spinning frantically off my axis, I added flogging and judging myself to that mix so I was WIRED FOR SOUND. It was alternating between frantically terrible and sad and hopeless and what is wrong with me then back to frantically terrible. God. And you know what comes with that with me? Must. Fixate. On. Something. Must make eleventy step plans to feel better. Immediately. TRY HARDER HL.
Then yesterday at therapy it all kinda unraveled and realized I was feeling some pretty sad/intense stuff and instead of allowing myself to feel it, I was frantically trying to avoid it. RUN as fast as you can! Feelings you can't get me!!
It didn't work. I had a good cry yesterday and let myself feel sad. I think a big part of feeling afraid of emotions is the fear that they'll take over. That you (and by you I mean ME) will always feel that way; that being sad will become my entire universe and state of being. It's not that way, I'm learning. It comes and goes. It's really intense for a few minutes, then it's gone. Like a cloud on the horizon. It floats by and wow it really looks dark and stormy, then it lifts. Eventually. Sometimes not immediately. But it does, regardless.
This is a huge, monumental thing for me. This is it. This is the crux of the overeating and overanalyzing: being afraid to feel sad or bad or the absolute worst of all -- ambivalence. My all-or-nothing nature dictates that I must either feel good or bad. Somewhere in between or both at the same time is not in my realm of possibilities. So this week, with all that ambivalently sad terribleness I tried so hard to outrun, I feel better from having felt it. Having it wash over me like a wave and seeing that I was still intact afterwards. I am a wee little braver today.