Are You Going to Do Atkins Again?

Asked Pete as I cut myself a brownie tonight. I sighed, and started to get defensive. Then he said, I'm just curious, you always seem to have a good plan of attack, so I was just wondering.

And I'd love to say HELLS YEAH. And WOO HOO I'm sugar free and loving life! Or wow, I really feel like myself when I'm dieting!

But friends, the brutal honesty is things are going a bit sideways for me these days. I think mentally I postponed the grief of Mrs. B because of the pregnancy. Then I postponed grieving the miscarriage to get through the various insane social commitments we had. Like Lucia's birthday: it was important to me to pull off some kind of party for her. And I did. With an enormous amount of help, I did.

So now? I'm feeling like total dogshit, mentally. My anxiety is on level eleventy, I'm having a hard time feeling motivated about well, anything, and I'm exhausted. The signs are all there: depression. I'm feeling sad and low and guilty for feeling sad and low and guilty for feeling guilty about feeling sad and low. See what I'm saying here?

The thing is, on some hilarious alternative reality I think of myself as superhuman and defying the odds of feeling better much faster than any other person would. Because I am awesome like that. Only thing is, when I don't achieve such feats, I beat myself up and then wonder what's wrong with me.

Uh, nothing? I'm just normal, that's all?

I went to a new therapist today to start talking about this stuff, and in a move sure to entertain my fellow highway drivers, I've started talking to myself on the way to work. Actually I have only done that one day, and it was helpful. Must try again tomorrow. If I feel like it. I probably won't. Or I might. Who knows.

A tiny part of me -- that annoyingly persistent dead-wrong part -- keeps telling me that if I just start another diet I'll feel better. But the larger part of me knows that's not true. I'm aiming for moderation. Which means a little brownie followed by a good workout. Which means, guess what, I'm not doing things absolutely perfectly. And somehow dear God the world is still turning.

As my mom said tonight, part of this is just going through the motions. I won't feel like this forever, but it's important to go through the motions until I do. Not in a faking it kind of way, but just working my muscles (literally) and forcing myself to keep going. Not at a crazy pace though.

I feel like this post is all over the map and here I go over thinking. Then I worry about how I'm coming across or what you think of me. Then the strong brave part of me says the only thing that matters is how I feel right now. Trying to appeal/charm/delight you is just taking me further away from me. The me that's really hurting and processing.

Sigh.

I hope I'm feeling better soon.

Comments

  1. Trying to appeal/charm/delight you is just taking me further away from me. I know this is going to sound corny, but just being who you are is charming enough. Really! No need to 'try'. You are awesome just as you are. (Hell, I need someone to tell me this more often...hmm..maybe I will start doing that.)

    You know, holy shit, you have gone through so much these last few weeks/months. You never did get to properly mourn Mrs B and then BOING, you are pregnant and need to "HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY" about that. And then that all turns whirlwind. Throw in a birthday party for Lucia and whoah...just a ton of emotions swirling around.

    You will get there...to a better place. Allow yourself to feel all of the emotions.

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  2. Oh thanks Julie. I think you're pretty awesome too. Hugs.

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  3. Heather
    It is good to see you posting- I am glad you are seeing a therapist- but I am a psychologist so I like stuff like that :). I have to agree I like your posts no matter what. I was thinking of the year you had and you are brave and strong, being brave and strong doesn't mean you don't suffer or skip suffering, it means you make it through the suffering.

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