Sucked

There was nothing about that doctor's appointment just now to make sure my womb was empty that didn't suck. 

Not the part where I had to tell the clerk if it was a prenatal appointment. Me: Sorta? I mean, I miscarried. So? Her: Ok so no? That'll be $20. Me: What? Normally it's $5. Her: That's prenatal. Me: Well then put prenatal. This is a follow up to make sure I'm no longer pregnant. 

That part was fun. 

Then I got to sit in the waiting room reading the fliers about Healthy Pregnancy Classes, and Introducing your 2009-2010 Birth Team!!!!!!

I know, even if I hadn't miscarried I'd be looking at the 2010-2011 Birth Team!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But it wasn't fun anyway. 

Fung, the endearing assistant who speaks in such a heavy Chinese accent she practically need subtitles (HI HEDDA) told me she cancelled my future appointments. I asked if she could please cancel the email newsletters about my Healthy Pregnancy. She said she couldn't but I could call the number and cancel. Which would require me to explain what happened. Insert tears. She said she was so sorry. 

I laid on the table half undressed with that same type of drape over me and waited for my doc to come in. Same as the last 4 weeks. Minus the excitement, and well, an embryo. 

She came in all cheery and sunny. For a second I felt bad that I wasn't in a better mood. She asked how things went, and I wanted sarcastically to say THAT WAS A TOTAL BREEZE!!! No pain, no sadness, no blood. TOTAL PIECE OF CAKE. 

But I've learned that my sarcasm is damaging to relationships. So I didn't say that. I told her what happened. She asked when we want to try again. I said I wasn't sure. Part of me wants to be pregnant again RIGHT NOW. Part of me wants to take my time, process everything, and try again when we're both ready. It's not all about me (unfortunately :) ) Pete is disappointed too. We both are nursing some heavy hearts.

We did an ultrasound. No embryo. Something teeny teeny teeny tiny in there, but she was sure it would pass in the next month. Oh goody, more clots to look forward to. 

She said that she had a miscarriage too and she knows it's hard. But that she was totally confident I'd go on to have another very healthy pregnancy. I know in my heart she's right, but man I'm having trouble getting there today. She patted me on the back as she left and said take care. I told her I'd hopefully see her in a few months. 

I cried at the completion of it. Today confirms the ending. Seeing the picture and seeing that my little embryo, that little pocket of a dream, was gone was hard. 

Comments

  1. Just hugs love out to both of you.

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  2. That really, really did suck. Sorry:(

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  3. Oh man. Sending hugs from Texas, too.

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  4. So sorry Heather! Hugs!

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  5. :-( Thinking of you x

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  6. Im so sorry Heather.

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  7. Words cannot express the sadness I feel for you! I'm so sorry and am sending hugs to the both of you.

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