Our last trip the beach, Monday, Aug. 10.
I'm feeling a bit all over the map, which I know is expected given the situation. I spent the day simultaneous soaked in and trying to evade the full extent of grief. Some things never change, I suppose. I cried at the park seeing all of the squirrels, and thinking of how my good friend would have gone apeshit (before 3 weeks ago, I mean). I wondered if we could just go back to the vet and reinject her and fill her with life again. This has all been a huge mistake, surely. Then I look at older pictures of her and realize that particular dog left us a while ago. That one with the silly grin and joy in her eyes. I cried when we got home tonight. Even at her weakest, she managed to get off her bed and give me a little wag, put her ears back and come out to greet me. We've left her bed, leash and food bowls out. I told Pete not to touch them until I'm ready. I keep looking at her bed and hoping to see her. The details of how everything went down yesterday were horrifying. If you've ever put an animal to sleep, you know. It will take a long time for that hurt to go away. I know we did the right thing; there's no question. I just miss my friend.
We spent the day in Sacramento; I got a great haircut, included onion rings in my lunch, and got 2 new shirts and a pair of flip flops from the J.Crew outlet. I had hoped those things would lift my spirits a bit. Turns out I just have great(er) hair, heartburn and am down $37. Tomorrow Pete is taking me out to a surprise place for breakfast; he's been such a GEM through this whole thing. He called Mary to find out how to best be there for me; he holds me close each night and told me Thursday night that one of the reasons he married me was because he saw me with Baylee and knew I'd be a great mom. He fell in love with her too. Yesterday was pretty devastating, even though we knew it was the right thing to do.
I don't know what else to write. I feel like I'm rambling and feel self-conscious about that, but then just realize fuck it, this is how I'm doing. I'm all over the place with my emotions.