Called OUT

Ok Anna put her status on FB tonight that she really wishes I write a new post... Anna, this is for YOU!

Hello. My name is Heather. I am calorie counting. It is going well. I have a job. It is also going well, though it seems extremely weird to me that we had a record performance last year, and the CEO is going around RAVING about how awesome my boss and I are, and yet my position was eliminated. Um. What.

Ok so seriously, I haven't been able to blog very much from work, because EVERYONE was in town this week -- the whole food chain. And also, I was really, really nervous about jinxing things or saying too much or just obsessing. I had a good cry over it over the weekend. It's tough being the breadwinner, and for whatever reason I felt like I had to make a decision like, Saturday, as to whether or not we were moving to Charlotte. And obviously, I have incomplete info, and nothing really is more stressful than trying to make a decision with incomplete info.

I thought very seriously about making a PRO/CON list for you all, but I'm not ready for that. Like I said, I don't have all the information. Like, for instance, if we even like Charlotte. Or if my boss even wants me to be there. Or if rental prices are gonna drop here. Or if Pete is gonna find a job in the next 6 mos. Or if I even want him to.

So I cried. Over the whole thing; over being the breadwinner and the enormous pressure that comes with that. Over not having a job title or description and not being able to get a hold of my new boss. Over feeling tired all the time, and conflicted, and like I'm never gonna get caught up (I'm such a cliche working mom!!). Over not feeling like I know my baby anymore; Pete's in charge of the home routine, and when I'm home, it's hard because on one hand I feel like I'm her mother, I should know everything, but then there's the reality, that um, I don't know everything (and maybe wouldn't even if I was at home). So I feel like that job description is kinda fuzzy too.

I didn't cry long, but I felt better afterwards. I'm doing the very best I can, and I need to realize that that means I can't do it all. We're gonna take things one day at a time.

Today after the praises at the CEO's presentation, I saw our SVP in the cafeteria and he asked if we could have lunch. I summoned the courage to ask him what his vision for my job was. He gave me some interesting insights. Then I went to a meeting he hosted and there was more praise for the work I did with my boss last year (basically we doubled the amount of news stories on my company). Doubled. I kick ass. It's official.

So we're in weird-ville USA. My beloved former boss says to take it all as a compliment -- they know I kick ass and they're repositioning me to kick ass elsewhere. I guess I'll look at it that way.

Comments

  1. I'm so sorry. I guess I didn't realize exactly how stressed out you are. And here I am blathering on about diet and hair.

    I truly hope that you start getting some answers soon and that every thing settles down.

    On the mom front, it is super hard, whether you work or stay at home. You never know if you are doing a good job. Do the best you can...it will be enough. (That's what I tell myself, anyway.)

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  2. Heather, I was wondering if you were 'super woman'. You never talked about how hard any of this was and I thought, 'wow, this mom/woman is so in control (and what a "losa" I am because I would be falling apart with everything going on in your life...or at least totally overeating. I know, it all comes back to me)

    The job thing is so f-ing stressful. I would hate to be in limbo...good for you for directly asking your SVP about it. I so hope things get clarified soon.

    Baby girl loves you more than anything and doesn't care if you know everything or not as long as you come home and cuddle her:) Pete is doing an outstanding job being at home full-time...just as you are with working full-time and being a mom full-time.

    My sister is the breadwinner in her house. Her husband stayed home with their little girl (who is now 15). When her daughter was young, she arranged something with work so that she could work 4 days a week...but at full-time hours, no pay reduction. For the record she works in the financial sector so it was not a "touchy feely" kind of job. I know now is not be the time to approach that, but perhaps you would be able to do that down the road.

    I have been wondering how you were doing so thanks for the update.

    Yes, Robin is so right on the mothering front...you are damned if you and damned if you don't...I am home fulltime and always beat myself up that I should be doing more and being a better mother, etc, etc. It is hard.

    I am rooting for you!

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  3. It is really tough being the breadwinner, I am that too. Plus trying to juggle everything. It's hard. You will get through this.

    Read this article. I know you'll relate. My post today was about it.

    http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/worklife/02/10/o.saying.no.at.work/index.html

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  4. Oh Heather! So much on your plate and you're doing so well. A good cry can really help you get the emotion out of your system and help you get some perspective on the situation. You guys will get through this and it will make you all stronger in the process. I really admire your determination and guts. What you're doing (on all fronts) is not easy and I think you're doing great! I'll be sending you postive thoughts from SoCal :)

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  5. Yeah, I've been through this more than once and still don't feel like I know what the crap I'm doing.

    The "best you can" = so hard and so often doesn't feel like enough (work or at home). Welcome to being a mommy! But Robin's right, it'll be good enough.

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