And Then I Bawled My Eyes Out

Last night Little Miss Hansen put us to the test. Actually it was the night before too. You see, I've been off dairy, at the advice of the NICU docs. But I decided, and with consultation from our pediatrician, to work some dairy back in. However, I went a little high on the hog and had brunost, the Norwegian cheese, a vanilla milkshake and pizza.

Eighteen hours later, Lucia was possessed by the devil. Seriously. Crying freaking nonstop, and that painful cry that you know she's hurting. And nothing will satiate her. Cause her belly hurts. No amount of burping or positioning will help. She refused to be put down even when we finally got her quiet.

So lessons learned. No more dairy. But last night the fun started again. We were trying some of the tricks the lactation consultant had advised, like feeding her less, but more often, and tipping the bottle so less milk goes into her mouth faster (read: more air goes in), and she just wailed and wailed and wailed and wailed and wailed for ever last night.

And I just lost it crying. I just bawled right along with her. I cried over the overwhelming sense of not knowing what the hell I'm doing. I cried for the loss of my old life and old self. I cried for the unknowingness of what the next few hours, days and hell weeks, would bring in for all of us, especially after my mom goes home (the woman is a god-send) and we're doing this on our own. It always feels better to cry. I feel so much better today, and Lucia at 4 a.m. was an absolute angel. I told her I would reconsider giving her to the circus.


  1. Ahh, I remember doing the exact same thing. I can identify with every single word.

    Crying does make you feel better, doesn't it. Maybe I need a good one. ;) (fred's travelling...a lot.)

    At least now you have a definitive answer about the dairy. I was in the same boat with Kara.

    Glad you updated. I've been wondering how you've been doing. Seriously. The first 6 weeks are the hardest. It really does get easier after that.

  2. Totally been there. Like Robin said, it will get easier. You have it tough because you also have to give up dairy.

    And you know what, this is such a huge deal having a baby. Totally changes one's life. Plus, since my mom friends and I had our babies over age 30, we had a whole lotta years of just us...nice dinners, laying around all day on Sunday reading the paper, etc etc...It is such a change. Your whole life now is controlled by this little human being now (which I don't mean to sound like a negative thing at all...just a humongous change.)

    Plus, mama, your hormones are still all out of whack.

    PS The show survivor was just started around the time my babies were born. We used to vote them off the island constantly. Of course, my boys are still with us and happy:)

  3. Oh I remember those days! I actually almost cried reading this. I just want to fast forward your life a couple of months and say it really does get easier.

    With my oldest, I remember pleading with my mom as she opened the door to leave. (Don't go!!! How the heck are we supposed to do this alone?) But we figured it day by day and survived. and did it all over again.

    I hope those hard days start to lessen, both in intensity and frequency!

  4. Ditto everyone else! I vividly remember those first weeks and bawling because she wouldn't stop crying and I couldn't tell what was wrong with her to help fix it.

    You will figure her out, it does take time and just when you start to understand your baby the toddler years stike and the confusion sets in all over again!

  5. I can feel your pain the evenings have been the worst this past couple of weeks lots ad lots of crying and frustration from me and lil guy, I know it will get better and I keep telling myself he'll be grown before I know it and I probably will give anything to have a crying infant again..hang in there Heather.

  6. Heather - hang in there! Everything you've described is totally normal. I remember one time I was crying on the phone with the "Ask-a-Nurse" hotline at the hospital and Craig was on the phone crying with the pediatrician from our group on call just trying to figure out why William wouldn't stop crying. We were a mess. I know parts of these days may seem dark, but you're getting to know Lucia and her quirks and what works for her. I'm hoping all is well.

  7. raises hand
    Yes yes that is what it was like for me with both kiddos. Newborns are so stressful... everything is so important and you just don't know what is what.

    Well on the upside it's good that you tested it and now you know... no dairy. I had to go on a TED with Baby and was eating only squash, potatoes, and turkey (literally) ... it got OLD.

    But this time will pass (it may seem slow now) quickly. Once you hit 12 weeks most of this stuff is over and you've got a happy camper. You'll make it.

  8. Yup, same here. I know it's normal. I go through moments of feeling trapped, overwhelmed, afraid, hopeless, ya know, the whole thing. But then a few hours later, it's all good again.
    Just watch it, if the scale starts tipping to where you feel MOSTLY like you did that one night, then maybe it's more than baby blues.
    But those moments are perfectly normal.


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