Grief, You are One Sneaky SonofaBitch

Today I was really annoyed with a girlfriend of mine and it just wouldn't go away. I kept coming back to it, and felt this very real sense of injustice and unfairness about our relationship. I test-drove my theories for another girlfriend to make sure I was sane, and the resounding answer was actually no, you're not.

Then I figured out where it was all coming from: I found someone on Facebook this week who was friends with my sister, who died a mere 15 years ago (that's yesterday, right?) and who I am still prone to mourn for. I miss my sister deeply -- in fact, so deeply that just the word deeply sounds cliche and not quite deep enough. I've worked really hard to understand the impact of her death on me, and mostly why I can't let go. I've let go, but ever so often that Sneaky Sonofabitch grief sneaks up on me and morphs into my other female relationships, and soon I'm telling myself a story about some unfairness. Today it morphed into and colored my relationship with my other friend. I feel tremendous relief figuring this out -- it weighed on me all day. But the sense of unfairness never goes away. And I think that's the hardest part to reconcile. Life is unfair. Look around, there's plenty of examples of unfairness. I'm not alone. Many, many people have had it harder than me. But I still have trouble accepting this. I'm off to sob and workout. At least I'm productive, people.

Comments

  1. I'm sorry about your sister, and you are so right. Life is unfair. Don't minimalize your grief by saying that others have it worse than you. Grief is in the eye of the beholder. To each individual their problems are significant to them.

    Again, I'm sorry. Hope your workout helps you feel better!

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  2. Thanks Amy! Once I figured out what was bothering me allllll day, I felt such relief. I cried, and moved on. Had a pretty good workout too!

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  3. Hey Snakey!

    Hope you're doing better today! I know I am not always the most stable of individuals but you know you always have me to vent to...time difference be damned.

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  4. I'm so sorry about your sister, too. Such a great loss, I could not even begin to imagine.

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  5. Thanks everyone! I'm better today. A cry, a workout, some perspective. My sister would NOT want me to mope. She always gave me ass-kicking speeches. :)

    Thanks Newmie! You're totally stable. :)

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  6. Heather

    I too am really sorry to hear about your sister... and I'm sorry I didn't respond when I first read this... I've been thinking about you though. Grief is indeed a bitch and I'm glad you have worked through it. (this time) :)

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  7. Hey thanks Mrs. F! Hope your day improved. I thought of you as I got my ass kicked on the treadmill tonight-- 50 minutes of hills!

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