Where I'm At

Here's what I've been up to. 

Not That Good of Mornings

I joke, but the morning I yelled at Lucia left me nauseous and bawling. Yelling at her is not OK and I apologized profusely and promised to try to never do it again. She's testing boundaries. She told me last week I ruined her life, after I wiped her butt. She likes to drag out our morning and evening routines and it makes for super stressful mornings, as I have a very narrow window of when Espen doesn't need to eat, I don't have to pump. Taking her to school takes at least 40 minutes, and that's without traffic, which I often encounter on the way home. So mornings have been tough. Really tough. Pete leaves for work at 5:15 so I'm flying solo, and last week I came home two of the four mornings and bawled. She's adjusting, I keep reminding myself. She's been overall really great with Espen, minus getting up in his biz a million times a day. Just as I get him to sleep she'll come over and say HI BABY BRUDDER or try to kiss him a hundred times. It's charming for a bit, then it gets annoying, as before mentioned timing in the mornings is so critical. If he's screaming, I can't put him down, which means I can't pump, which means the whole thing is delayed, which runs into his feeding time, which KILL ME NOW.

So.

We're trying really hard; Pete talked to her about helping me out in the mornings, and I've prayed for patience and dig deep when I'm about to lose it. It seems to be working. I remind her as she starts to act up that we don't want to have a bad morning, do we? We all need just an extra bit of compassion and patience these days. Hopefully things will continue to improve; this period is not forever and is a blip on the managing two kids horizon, I realize. We'll be OK.

In the past week alone

I:

Told Lucia that SHE STARTED IT when she asked me why I yelled at her.

Snapped at Espen to PLEASE STOP PULLING MY HAIR

Fell asleep on my therapist's couch

So I'd say the sleep deprivation has absolutely no bearing on my functionality. Wouldn't you agree?

Fitness Plans: SOOOOON

I'm itching to start working out, but talked with the doc yesterday and she said to hold off for two more weeks. Looking back at old posts from my pregnancy with Lucia, I cannot believe I was working out four weeks after the hellacious C-section with an infected incision AND doing Weight Watchers AND pumping milk 'round the clock. Dude. No wonder my milk production went down. Crazy.

Speaking of milk production, if you've been reading over at Team Hansen we've had uh, a challenging time with breastfeeding. I wish that I was one of those moms who just don't care about it and just think, whatever and have absolutely no problem switching to formula. I am not one of those moms. And that's OK. Like my post over there says, I'm taking it day by day and praying a lot (seriously) and hoping my lack of sleep doesn't cloud my judgement daily, i.e. force me into the spiral of despair. The lactation consultant this week said he's 80% there; Espen wants to nurse so we just have to be patient and get him there. Also, most books I've read said the kiddo gets it between 4-8 weeks. I'm giving myself a goal of 6 weeks before I reevaluate. Espen is now on 100% breastmilk which makes me proud, but dude it's at a cost. Pumping round the clock is a D-R-A-G. I won't go into details but I've currently stopped trying to get him on the breast due to a nipple situ. Hoping for a resolution to that in a few days, and then we'll just keep trying.

But! Back to my fitness plans. This week I started doing ab pull-ins [I'm positive there's a correct term]. You stand up absolutely straight and pretend your posture isn't shot to shit from the pregnancy, and pull your belly button towards your spine. I do 10 at a time, a few times a day. My abs have been surprisingly sore from just this, but not in a debilitating way. So I'm psyched it's working something. I underestimated the extent my abs would be impacted by the pregnancy and C-section so I'm hopeful I'm on the road to getting stronger and more functionality in my core. Turns out the core muscles impact uh, everything.

When I hit the six-weeks post-op mark, here's my plan: ab pull ins, 3x10 reps, bird dogs, 3x10 reps, goblet squats with no weight, 3x10 reps, and pushups, 3x10 reps. I'll likely have to do the pushups on our ottoman, because getting into a plank position might be too much/hurty. I'm aiming for three times a week to start. The whole "workout" should take about 10 minutes. I'm doing what we called Active Recovery for the other three days out of the week, which is a walk with Mr. Man for at least 20 minutes. Not a crazy heart-racing hill walk. Just an easy walk.

I'm doing that for the first month, then I'll create a new workout with bodyweight exercises, with workout A and workout B, meaning different exercises, to mix it up. Even though it's only a 10-minute workout, I feel super pumped to put on my headphones and workout clothes and pretend I'm super fit. Faking it somehow works in this situation. I have the new Justin Timberlake album to crack out to.

Two more weeks! I'm not sure if I'm counting down the breastfeeding reevaluation mark or the badass feeling I get from doing squats and pushups, but either way: two more weeks!!

About that Whole 30 Thing

Just so you know where this post is coming from: oftentimes what I put here is a fraction of what's really going on in life for me and oftentimes just the lens around body issues/food and fitness. If you follow me on Facebook you know that's a more accurate picture of whassup. Yesterday, for instance, nearly did me in, as it was my first day taking Lucia to school by myself and managing baby's eating/my eating/pumping schedule. Seemed really straightforward from the outset, but left me sobbing by 10:30 a.m. Lessons were learned, let's just say that.

What I am trying to say is that if you're reading to check in on what's up with me, know that this isn't the whole picture. Kinda goes without saying, right? Just in case it didn't, DISCLAIMER.

Hookay, anyway. 

As I mentioned, the oatmeal = puffy HL. Ok maybe it was the sugar too, and it's been no holds barred in that area too. Hello daily Thin Mints ritual. Whenever I feel puffy like this, I am always drawn to the restricted nature of the Whole 30, thinking THAT'LL DO IT. And it has, and it does. And there's something very appealing about having it be non-negotiable in my brain; these are the rules, here's what's allowed and here's what's not. There's no gray area, there's no well maybe just the more than 72% dark chocolate qualifies because of the flavonoids, etc. There's no wiggle room. 

However. 

I find myself whenever I do these trying to be the goddamn valedictorian/perfectionist of the Whole 30 and I get all this energy around MUST DO IT PERFECT. It's exactly what Krista Scott-Dixon talks about in this article (she's the creator of the Lean Eating program, btw) I highlighted the resonant parts: 

It starts so innocently…

If you have any interest in health, fitness, and nutrition, you probably have at least some awareness of how sugary, crappy food contributes to poor health, inflammation, obesity, and insulin resistance.

Naturally, you as a conscious eater want to do The Right Thing. So you start reading labels and eating whole foods. You get rid of sugar, or at least cut your intake way down.

Pretty awesome start. You could probably stop right there and still be better off than most of the Western population.

But of course, every little positive, health-affirming step inspires you to take another.

You move towards higher-fibre, less-processed versions of traditional grains. Or you cut grains out completely. You probably end up with a more or less ancestral/Primal-style way of eating.

Again, you could quit right here. In fact, you probably should. Now you’re at 99th percentile of food and lifestyle quality. And with some practice, you could live that way pretty easily and sanely.

…and then…

You keep reading. You swirl down into the blogosphere of half-baked opinions, speculation, anecdotal evidence, pseudoscience, and what my colleague Dr. John Berardi so aptly terms “hysterical negativity”.

This is where the rabbit hole of madness begins.

Because you start to think: What else could I do to be better? How could I nudge this generally pretty decent situation into awesome? Into perfect?

And naturally, you work harder. You train harder. You Paleo harder. You cut harder. You pound that shit in. To. The. Ground.

You’ve heard that cutting carbs is primal. So you go for rock bottom.

You’ve heard that cave people never ate Food XYZ so you’re restricting everything that isn’t a dead animal or something green.

You’ve heard that wasting an hour on a “workout” is bullshit. Cave people got ‘er done hard and fast. Ready for anything. So you trash yourself with 100 rapid-fire power cleans or 2 miles of sprinting sled drags or box jumps until you can literally hear your Achilles tendons sobbing. You do it again the next day. And the next. And the day after that.

You throw in some fasting just for good measure. Cave people didn’t have 24 hour buffets, after all.

For a while, this feels great. Heroic.

You often have lots of energy because you’re running on the fumes of your body’s stress response — natural painkillers and adrenaline. Your skin glows and your joints feel fantastic because you’re not eating processed junk that inflames them. You’ve shed some pounds and are sliding effortlessly into your skinny jeans.

Plus let’s be honest. You’re also feeling the high of being smug as shit now.

You’re a zealot. A recent convert. Fuck the hatas and deluded drones of Big Food. You have your Cavepeople Club and it feels stupendous — or is that the endogenous opioids your body is pumping out to kill the pain of another vomitworthy workout?

So I'm not going to do a Whole 30. It feels too nuts and while effective, I tend to get caught up in the extremes of it and well, I'm not sure that's good for anyone, and certainly not where I am right now, with newbabyness. So for the next 30 days here's what I'm committing to:

• No sugar
• No peanut butter
• Minimize processed food as much as possible (no GF bread, for example)

What I will be eating is tons of protein, fat, fruits and vegetables. I'm not weighing, I'm going by how my clothes are fitting. I'm not agonizing if I have non-homemade mayo or bacon (most bacon is cured with sugar) and feeling like I'm not doing it perfect and not in the cool kid's Paleo club. I'm listening to my body and tweaking my diet for what feels right to me. That's likely the single best lesson I learned from the Lean Eating program; listening to my body, stepping away from the judgement and tweaking accordingly. I'll keep you updated of course throughout the month. 

Well Hi

Nothing like having a baby to derail your blogging. I've been posting pictures and updates over at Team Hansen here and there, but I've neglected you!

So here's what's going on:

• I'm finalizing writing a letter of praise to the hospital where we delivered. Basically, it was the most incredible experience of my life. I am not exaggerating. I'll write a post here to share the story. 
• I started eating GF oats with banana and almond milk for breastfeeding production purposes, and I swear to you I've put on 5 lbs in 2 weeks. Maybe 10, actually. Yeeesh. I swear I'm heavier now than I was in the hospital. Not kidding. So.
• Starting a Whole 30 tomorrow. I'm already off gluten (allergic) and dairy (for breastfeeding) so I don't expect it to be a radical shift, just aiming for more vegetables, less processed food and my Achilles: no sugar. Hoping to depuff, yo. 
• Baby Espen is a dream come true, and I mean that literally. He is the greatest thing and 10000 times a day I thank God for him and simultaneously cannot believe he's here and mine and that I get to keep him. He's just the greatest. 
• My mom left today. I will miss her greatly, to say the least. I posted about it over on Team Hansen. 
• My goal today is to get out for a walk, something I have not done yet. The post-op recovery has been a BREEZE but I have yet to do any exercise. So far, I get incredibly sore just from standing up straight. Must read my C-section books and start on the core exercises; it sucks being sore from walking upright (also not exaggerating there). 
• I've been incredibly humbled and grateful for friends to help me with breastfeeding. Thank you, friends! 

I'll post more when I come up for air again. Until then, behold the onslaught of baby pictures and my dress attempting an Incredible Hulk moment at the baptism yesterday. My boobs are GIGANTIC. 

He's here

Various updates over on Team Hansen. He's so adorable.